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Oct. 6th, 2002
(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2002 05:23 amhell. i feel like "taking a lover", making something good somehow (either on a short-term or long-term basis, yew know whut i meen), but the only one i desire, the one most harmonious soul i've ever met, who's done me no wrong but in fact so very many rights, who i honestly can't even fathom fucking up with, is so far from me... and i don't even think this person's ever even considered me in that way. but god, the love that would be possible...
*sigh*...
maybe i should just go ahead and enroll in college here. i've been mulling it over for quite while now, but i really have no plan. hell, i don't even know how to start the process, or what to do about paying for it. i mean in the technical, physical terms. i need a fucking diagram, man.
did 400+ "situps" today. whenever i lose count, i just deflate the numbers and estimate. i think it was 410. i felt like i could've done far more, but i was getting kinda tired and bored, and with that ab-roller knock-off, now that i'm used to it, it somehow feels like it woulda been more like 150 in "real" terms, even though ya never really relax yr abs on the fucking thing. so maybe i'm getting a little cynical about the whole thing. but i'm not gonna stop, because i'm a hardcore muthafucka.
listened to Jane's Addiction's Nothing's Shocking and Ritual de lo Habitual while working out. man, side two of R.d.l.H.... reminds me of my heavy LSD period. man, i wish i could get ahold of some good acid again... i was so in tune back then... not playing the dirge of love for one, but rather the canon of love for all... i was even considered a sort of guru by some, in the Leary sense. i only ever really had one bad trip, and i was amazing and strong and somehow-wise enough to figure out that it was all in my mind and turned it around and became as a lion. "ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now" (B. Dylan, "My Back Pages").
i need to be more honest with myself. i'm NOT completely over her. i'm shure as shit getting there, but i still think. and wonder what the fuck happened. i even catch myself reading her journal sometimes still. and i can't figure out if i should drop her from my IM buddy list (for me), or keep her (and get reminded of her shit every goddamn time she logs on). i actually wanted to be friends with her for a while there, after it all went up in a ball of shitfire. i actually begged her to stop being nasty and mean and let us go back to the way things were, when we were (roughly) innocent of love. then one day, she suddenly acted like nothing happened (she obviously doesn't give a fuck, regardless of her empty claims) and i thought "this is not right either" and of course now i just don't even want any of her sickness. she is like a poison to me. a poison i crave, no less. i must get well soon.
i guess i just have a bad way of holding on to hope, even when there is none left. if certain conditions were met, you know... i'd probably be stupid and forlorn enough to be hers.... only to knowingly have my heart ripped out yet again.
god damn all wicked, selfish people. especially the hypocrites who pretend to be self-righteous when they really just love to wrong others for their own gains. they will gain NOTHING in The End. NOTHING.
but i will continue to seek to gain nothing, and i will gain everything (though it will no doubt take me many many more lifetimes), even though i truly do not desire it (i crave Nothingness - and also to become a bodhisattva). for such is the way of the Dharma Bum.
*sigh*...
maybe i should just go ahead and enroll in college here. i've been mulling it over for quite while now, but i really have no plan. hell, i don't even know how to start the process, or what to do about paying for it. i mean in the technical, physical terms. i need a fucking diagram, man.
did 400+ "situps" today. whenever i lose count, i just deflate the numbers and estimate. i think it was 410. i felt like i could've done far more, but i was getting kinda tired and bored, and with that ab-roller knock-off, now that i'm used to it, it somehow feels like it woulda been more like 150 in "real" terms, even though ya never really relax yr abs on the fucking thing. so maybe i'm getting a little cynical about the whole thing. but i'm not gonna stop, because i'm a hardcore muthafucka.
listened to Jane's Addiction's Nothing's Shocking and Ritual de lo Habitual while working out. man, side two of R.d.l.H.... reminds me of my heavy LSD period. man, i wish i could get ahold of some good acid again... i was so in tune back then... not playing the dirge of love for one, but rather the canon of love for all... i was even considered a sort of guru by some, in the Leary sense. i only ever really had one bad trip, and i was amazing and strong and somehow-wise enough to figure out that it was all in my mind and turned it around and became as a lion. "ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now" (B. Dylan, "My Back Pages").
i need to be more honest with myself. i'm NOT completely over her. i'm shure as shit getting there, but i still think. and wonder what the fuck happened. i even catch myself reading her journal sometimes still. and i can't figure out if i should drop her from my IM buddy list (for me), or keep her (and get reminded of her shit every goddamn time she logs on). i actually wanted to be friends with her for a while there, after it all went up in a ball of shitfire. i actually begged her to stop being nasty and mean and let us go back to the way things were, when we were (roughly) innocent of love. then one day, she suddenly acted like nothing happened (she obviously doesn't give a fuck, regardless of her empty claims) and i thought "this is not right either" and of course now i just don't even want any of her sickness. she is like a poison to me. a poison i crave, no less. i must get well soon.
i guess i just have a bad way of holding on to hope, even when there is none left. if certain conditions were met, you know... i'd probably be stupid and forlorn enough to be hers.... only to knowingly have my heart ripped out yet again.
god damn all wicked, selfish people. especially the hypocrites who pretend to be self-righteous when they really just love to wrong others for their own gains. they will gain NOTHING in The End. NOTHING.
but i will continue to seek to gain nothing, and i will gain everything (though it will no doubt take me many many more lifetimes), even though i truly do not desire it (i crave Nothingness - and also to become a bodhisattva). for such is the way of the Dharma Bum.
(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2002 10:00 amin one month and two days, it will be one year since my beautiful, loving grandmother took leave of her life. i cannot even begin to describe how i feel. at the top are grief and relief, followed by every possible flavour of sadness, depression, longing, and despair, and every possible combination thereof.
wednesday on PBS will be a special on caretakers, which i of course must somehow bring myself to watch, since i was supposedly a caretaker for the last two years of her sweet life. of course, it will really be a sort of trial, whereby i (the accused) must look on and see all of the many varied ways in which i had failed, and all of the things that i should have done much differently. foremost is patience. especially toward the end, i became frustrated a lot, even angry, and often enough took fairly violent turns, throwing things around and such (not actually breaking anything, but you get my point - i was horrible). of course, i was angry and frustrated more towards her cancer and not actually to her. but i think i was downright cruel, vile, wicked on occasion, and for that i will surely pay a terrible price, karmically and otherwise.
"president" Bush is coming to Cincinnati tomorrow. i will be there to protest his awful crusade. i will certainly try to drum up some support amongst my friends, but i know in my heart i will be going down there alone nevertheless.
wednesday on PBS will be a special on caretakers, which i of course must somehow bring myself to watch, since i was supposedly a caretaker for the last two years of her sweet life. of course, it will really be a sort of trial, whereby i (the accused) must look on and see all of the many varied ways in which i had failed, and all of the things that i should have done much differently. foremost is patience. especially toward the end, i became frustrated a lot, even angry, and often enough took fairly violent turns, throwing things around and such (not actually breaking anything, but you get my point - i was horrible). of course, i was angry and frustrated more towards her cancer and not actually to her. but i think i was downright cruel, vile, wicked on occasion, and for that i will surely pay a terrible price, karmically and otherwise.
"president" Bush is coming to Cincinnati tomorrow. i will be there to protest his awful crusade. i will certainly try to drum up some support amongst my friends, but i know in my heart i will be going down there alone nevertheless.
(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2002 05:36 pmsomething really funny just happened. i wish i had a video of it.
i was listening to NPR and some comic with an annoying voice was talking about Lily Tomlin (who i adore) and somebody else, i forget who. somebody who paved the way for women comics. anyway, i was trying to place the voice, when i said to myself, dear god, i hope that's not Rita Rudner. as if on cue, the voice announced, "I'm Rita Rudner..." and at that very moment my cigarette actually physically popped out of my mouth and fell to the floor! i couldn't have done it in a funnier way if i had tried (an' trust me, i'm a funnyboy - pratfalls and everything); it just happened involuntarily.
i now dub that bit the "cigarette-spit take".
i never liked Rita Rudner. i'm sure she's a sweet person and all, but she's so goddamn stiff. and she reminds me physically of this chick i used to date, who was forever looking for love&sex in every imaginable place because she had some kinda weird emotional issues. looked a lot like her, except for the hair. this poor chick was fucked up. a sweet person, though, and at least she was monogamous. but damn, i think she must have done every living thing from here to Florida (no, i'm serious). she was the only person i ever tried to go down on where i voluntarily stopped just short and came quickly back up. god only knows what kinda funky-ass mess she musta had down there. she's married now and her stepkids are almost as old as she is (no kidding; just a few years younger!)... and she calls them her "sons" (NOT step-sons). fucking weirdo. sweet girl, though. for a headcase.
i was listening to NPR and some comic with an annoying voice was talking about Lily Tomlin (who i adore) and somebody else, i forget who. somebody who paved the way for women comics. anyway, i was trying to place the voice, when i said to myself, dear god, i hope that's not Rita Rudner. as if on cue, the voice announced, "I'm Rita Rudner..." and at that very moment my cigarette actually physically popped out of my mouth and fell to the floor! i couldn't have done it in a funnier way if i had tried (an' trust me, i'm a funnyboy - pratfalls and everything); it just happened involuntarily.
i now dub that bit the "cigarette-spit take".
i never liked Rita Rudner. i'm sure she's a sweet person and all, but she's so goddamn stiff. and she reminds me physically of this chick i used to date, who was forever looking for love&sex in every imaginable place because she had some kinda weird emotional issues. looked a lot like her, except for the hair. this poor chick was fucked up. a sweet person, though, and at least she was monogamous. but damn, i think she must have done every living thing from here to Florida (no, i'm serious). she was the only person i ever tried to go down on where i voluntarily stopped just short and came quickly back up. god only knows what kinda funky-ass mess she musta had down there. she's married now and her stepkids are almost as old as she is (no kidding; just a few years younger!)... and she calls them her "sons" (NOT step-sons). fucking weirdo. sweet girl, though. for a headcase.
this morning on PBS i heard that this year a population nearly the size of Chicago has died from HIV/AIDS.
this is not news. it is not worth talking about. two and a half million people every year, and nearly TWENTY MILLION total deaths is NOT an epidemic. nobody is interested. it is almost impossible to get infected, and hardly anyone has ever died, really. go back to your Must-See TV and for god's sake DON'T WORRY. everything is under control. please do not think.
http://www.gmhc.org/basics/statmain.html
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/stats.htm
http://hivinsite.ucsf.edu/InSite
http://www.unaids.org/
this is not news. it is not worth talking about. two and a half million people every year, and nearly TWENTY MILLION total deaths is NOT an epidemic. nobody is interested. it is almost impossible to get infected, and hardly anyone has ever died, really. go back to your Must-See TV and for god's sake DON'T WORRY. everything is under control. please do not think.
http://www.gmhc.org/basics/statmain.html
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/stats.htm
http://hivinsite.ucsf.edu/InSite
http://www.unaids.org/