transmothra | (no subject)

hell. i feel like "taking a lover", making something good somehow (either on a short-term or long-term basis, yew know whut i meen), but the only one i desire, the one most harmonious soul i've ever met, who's done me no wrong but in fact so very many rights, who i honestly can't even fathom fucking up with, is so far from me... and i don't even think this person's ever even considered me in that way. but god, the love that would be possible...

*sigh*...

maybe i should just go ahead and enroll in college here. i've been mulling it over for quite while now, but i really have no plan. hell, i don't even know how to start the process, or what to do about paying for it. i mean in the technical, physical terms. i need a fucking diagram, man.

did 400+ "situps" today. whenever i lose count, i just deflate the numbers and estimate. i think it was 410. i felt like i could've done far more, but i was getting kinda tired and bored, and with that ab-roller knock-off, now that i'm used to it, it somehow feels like it woulda been more like 150 in "real" terms, even though ya never really relax yr abs on the fucking thing. so maybe i'm getting a little cynical about the whole thing. but i'm not gonna stop, because i'm a hardcore muthafucka.

listened to Jane's Addiction's Nothing's Shocking and Ritual de lo Habitual while working out. man, side two of R.d.l.H.... reminds me of my heavy LSD period. man, i wish i could get ahold of some good acid again... i was so in tune back then... not playing the dirge of love for one, but rather the canon of love for all... i was even considered a sort of guru by some, in the Leary sense. i only ever really had one bad trip, and i was amazing and strong and somehow-wise enough to figure out that it was all in my mind and turned it around and became as a lion. "ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now" (B. Dylan, "My Back Pages").

i need to be more honest with myself. i'm NOT completely over her. i'm shure as shit getting there, but i still think. and wonder what the fuck happened. i even catch myself reading her journal sometimes still. and i can't figure out if i should drop her from my IM buddy list (for me), or keep her (and get reminded of her shit every goddamn time she logs on). i actually wanted to be friends with her for a while there, after it all went up in a ball of shitfire. i actually begged her to stop being nasty and mean and let us go back to the way things were, when we were (roughly) innocent of love. then one day, she suddenly acted like nothing happened (she obviously doesn't give a fuck, regardless of her empty claims) and i thought "this is not right either" and of course now i just don't even want any of her sickness. she is like a poison to me. a poison i crave, no less. i must get well soon.

i guess i just have a bad way of holding on to hope, even when there is none left. if certain conditions were met, you know... i'd probably be stupid and forlorn enough to be hers.... only to knowingly have my heart ripped out yet again.

god damn all wicked, selfish people. especially the hypocrites who pretend to be self-righteous when they really just love to wrong others for their own gains. they will gain NOTHING in The End. NOTHING.

but i will continue to seek to gain nothing, and i will gain everything (though it will no doubt take me many many more lifetimes), even though i truly do not desire it (i crave Nothingness - and also to become a bodhisattva). for such is the way of the Dharma Bum.