transmothra - signs of the collapse

I've been working 50 hour weeks for ~8 months now, with about 3 weeks break (40-44 hours).

When anyone complains, the standard mantra of "business needs" is repeatedly chanted at us until we go away. Our HR department has completely forgotten what the 'H' stands for. When you see them about anything, they act as if their own mantra is "when you take advantage of your benefits, you take advantage of your company".

I also recently found out that my yearly $200 donation to the United Way for various charities was not spread out to help AIDS or breast cancer charities, but was all given to Hospice instead. A worthy charity, but i wanted to spread it out a little bit. They don't care.

It's completely burning me out. I'm exhausted all the time, and on my days off, i never get anything done anymore. My off hours are spent vegetatively reading the news online.

I've been getting fat again, and my mood has been crappy, so i've decided to start taking SAM-e again (mood), and Stacker3 XPLC (metabolism).

Good news: Lisa is moving away in like a few days.

I just took a small plunge i can't very well afford in order to notch the music-creation thing up a little. All i bought were good distortion and digital delay pedals, plus some wall-juice and signal cables. But that's a pretty big $200 right now. I'm kind of stressing it, but the sale on Digitech gear at MF ends this weekend. I only have a week until payday, but even then, i have to pay rent and utilities out of that.

I need this like air to breathe.

Music is absolutely everything to me, and i can NOT just keep fucking around anymore: i'm getting old, and my body aches, and i haven't really had much creative output in years. Much worse: i have not yet left my mark, and so am unfit to die, having done nothing remotely profound with my life. If nobody comes to my funeral, or if there is no crying and no dancing, then i don't even want to die at all. Not until i get it right.

And... i have an ulterior motive: i want to make a rock record that my grandpa can be proud of, before he leaves this world forever. I hate the thought of him dying with nothing going on at the last leaf on the family tree. It's like letting him down in the worst possible way ever. So i am even more desperate to get started as soon as possible.



Someday, you will be able to hear the music that i hear in my head, and you will rejoice and/or despair. Possibly both at once.

for them what haf't knowed me not too long, i was once a mediocre poet...

i left work early tonight (completely unrelated to my little rant from yesterday). my head hurts so badly.

is it common for headaches to usually be focused on the same area of the head?

and can somebody e-mail me some Orudis KT? please? i'll totally pay you back.

www.jeremyjarratt.com

latest adventure: digging up an old blues song i did on 4-track at the ripe old age of 18. Robert Johnson ain't worried.

feed available w/ podcasts

today:

• amazing sex (par for the course)
• Metal Gear Solid 3
• Resident Evil 4
• Wallace & Gromit DVD

winner: me