i am finished with that former place where i lived the last two years of my life. i did not say goodbye to anybody or to the ghost of the apartment, and i did not look back when i drove away. my time there is now officially over.
and thus endeth a long, tortured chapter of my life. mostly bittersweet and sometimes fairly tormented were my life and times there.
the place is empty, and no one lives there anymore. the shell of a hell of a place and time is now good enough to be dead in my heart.
it's nearly 3pm now, and i must go to work at 8 tonight. i still work with my former lover, but i do not see her there. we do not talk at all any more. we are less than friends; less than enemies.
well... i
AM sad about things. but not like you might think.
(tonight, Holly: if i get drunk and cry... it will not be because i miss her, but because she took two years from my life, and she wasted them.)
speaking of chapters: at one time, i was planning on writing a book about what ultimately was a glorified, protracted, bittersweet love affair with Lisa. perhaps some day i still will. but it will only be a few chapters, and it will be in the beginning of that book. that book is not about her any longer.
(and i never had any designs on Holly while i was with Lisa. i felt weak a few times, and sometimes i really thought how easy it would have been to just give up on Lisa and run to Holly. i did openly like Holly, and declared as much to both. but i would have been good. ultimately, i would have been a good man. i would have Done the Right Thing, i think. i now am ironically thankful that Lisa threw me away, because now i can be who i really wanted to be, and be with who i know in my heart i should have been with. things now just make so much more sense this way.)so fare well Lovington! fare well Lisa!i saw my grandfather today. maybe it's just bad timing, but the last two times i've seen him, i've not been entirely certain that he was fully aware that i was there, or who i was. he was just laying there, in his chair, eyes not quite shut; swimming in his mind, asleep like some lame angel. my heart sinks; i nearly cracked right there. i don't want to see this. maybe that's the real reason why i've been avoiding my family, avoiding that sacred House of my now long-abandoned childhood.
yes, i think i'll cry tonight, but for all of the best reasons.
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