and that's that.
Dec. 6th, 2005 02:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transmothrai am finished with that former place where i lived the last two years of my life. i did not say goodbye to anybody or to the ghost of the apartment, and i did not look back when i drove away. my time there is now officially over.
and thus endeth a long, tortured chapter of my life. mostly bittersweet and sometimes fairly tormented were my life and times there.
the place is empty, and no one lives there anymore. the shell of a hell of a place and time is now good enough to be dead in my heart.
it's nearly 3pm now, and i must go to work at 8 tonight. i still work with my former lover, but i do not see her there. we do not talk at all any more. we are less than friends; less than enemies.
well... i AM sad about things. but not like you might think.
(tonight, Holly: if i get drunk and cry... it will not be because i miss her, but because she took two years from my life, and she wasted them.)
speaking of chapters: at one time, i was planning on writing a book about what ultimately was a glorified, protracted, bittersweet love affair with Lisa. perhaps some day i still will. but it will only be a few chapters, and it will be in the beginning of that book. that book is not about her any longer.
(and i never had any designs on Holly while i was with Lisa. i felt weak a few times, and sometimes i really thought how easy it would have been to just give up on Lisa and run to Holly. i did openly like Holly, and declared as much to both. but i would have been good. ultimately, i would have been a good man. i would have Done the Right Thing, i think. i now am ironically thankful that Lisa threw me away, because now i can be who i really wanted to be, and be with who i know in my heart i should have been with. things now just make so much more sense this way.)
so fare well Lovington! fare well Lisa!
yes, i think i'll cry tonight, but for all of the best reasons.
and thus endeth a long, tortured chapter of my life. mostly bittersweet and sometimes fairly tormented were my life and times there.
the place is empty, and no one lives there anymore. the shell of a hell of a place and time is now good enough to be dead in my heart.
it's nearly 3pm now, and i must go to work at 8 tonight. i still work with my former lover, but i do not see her there. we do not talk at all any more. we are less than friends; less than enemies.
well... i AM sad about things. but not like you might think.
(tonight, Holly: if i get drunk and cry... it will not be because i miss her, but because she took two years from my life, and she wasted them.)
speaking of chapters: at one time, i was planning on writing a book about what ultimately was a glorified, protracted, bittersweet love affair with Lisa. perhaps some day i still will. but it will only be a few chapters, and it will be in the beginning of that book. that book is not about her any longer.
(and i never had any designs on Holly while i was with Lisa. i felt weak a few times, and sometimes i really thought how easy it would have been to just give up on Lisa and run to Holly. i did openly like Holly, and declared as much to both. but i would have been good. ultimately, i would have been a good man. i would have Done the Right Thing, i think. i now am ironically thankful that Lisa threw me away, because now i can be who i really wanted to be, and be with who i know in my heart i should have been with. things now just make so much more sense this way.)
so fare well Lovington! fare well Lisa!
i saw my grandfather today. maybe it's just bad timing, but the last two times i've seen him, i've not been entirely certain that he was fully aware that i was there, or who i was. he was just laying there, in his chair, eyes not quite shut; swimming in his mind, asleep like some lame angel. my heart sinks; i nearly cracked right there. i don't want to see this. maybe that's the real reason why i've been avoiding my family, avoiding that sacred House of my now long-abandoned childhood.
yes, i think i'll cry tonight, but for all of the best reasons.
