black hole

[transmothra]

it's starting to really hit me. the initial shock and numbness is done with. today is somehow different. it was already really bad for me (it's been a deepening pit of hell for 2 1/2 years now, with the absolute worst part of it starting just two weeks ago). but now it seems even harsher somehow. i feel like i'm trying desperately to escape the immense gravity of a black hole.

it's sinking in.

hell, i'm sinking in.

someone i knew and loved, lived with and shared experiences and conversations with for years and years... dead. gone. forever.

no more talking. no more sharing. no more gestures or hugs or ironic smiles. ever.

i should point out that, as a devout agnostic who leans rather heavily towards atheism, i do not believe in an afterdeath of any kind. extraordinary claims, after all, require extraordinary evidence. so this is... difficult. to say the least.

life. gone. over. finished. done. kaput. a fire is snuffed forever.

this may be even worse than when my poor sweet grandmother died in 2001, if only because now, the other shoe has finally dropped. it's like the floor itself has been pulled out from under me, and all that exists is empty space underneath for me to fall through. the bottom, as it were, has dropped out!

i am starting to freak out.

Comments

[seanpadilla.livejournal.com]

Another LJ friend of mine recently posted about the death of one of her grandparents, and she expressed confusion over her lack of grief about it.

I left a sympathetic comment stating that I personally have never felt grief over a death, although I wondered whether it was because death generally doesn't provoke an extreme emotional response from me, or because no one whom I'm incredibly close to has died yet.

Reading posts like this makes me lean toward the latter.

If I were around, dude, I'd give you a big hug.

[slbass.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. *hugs*

[olivetree.livejournal.com]

*hug*

it'll be ok, friend. it will. promise.

[knightbear.livejournal.com]

this may be even worse than when my poor sweet grandmother died in 2001, if only because now, the other shoe has finally dropped. it's like the floor itself has been pulled out from under me, and all that exists is empty space underneath for me to fall through. the bottom, as it were, has dropped out!

For about two or three weeks after Mom died, this statement is what I kept trying to tell people was how I felt. It was like the center of my universe just popped out and wandered off. It hurt like hell and left me numb most of the time. I do know what you mean by this entire post because, dear, I HAVE been there and back again!!!

Even though I tend to be a very spiritual guy, I couldn't feel or sense my mother ANYwhere. She was simply gone. I couldn't draw comfort from her pastor's words when he babbled about how she was sleeping until Jesus comes again. I couldn't find comfort in my own spiritual beliefs of her being in the Summerlands. My mother, my very real and dear mom, was gone from my life and NOTHING was going to bring her back.

*Hugs*

I do know what you mean.

I'm here if you need me, OK. I won't push it because I know how annoying it got when people would say things like "I'm here for you" over and over again. Even my dad got a little tired of hearing it.

The loss of your grandfather who was decidedly a father to you just happened. You're in shock at the loss and starting the long road without him. It takes time, lots of time, and more tears than I thought I could ever shed. You'll make it but nothing is ever going to be quite the same; trust me.

Like I said, I know where you are today, hon, because I was there about three months ago.

i feel for you!

[(Anonymous)]

jer-
it is so difficult and i know you have to experience and be sadness after someone you love so incredibly much is gone~ i hate seeing the pain and hurt this has caused you... i want you to feel good and secure but i know that can not happen right now. i am here if you need to talk~ i have tried to call you. perhaps, i will try again and then i may speak with you... i hope you have some comfort in these times of excruciating pain that your heart and soul feels.
much love and extreme friendship
~melissa