the old just keep getting older

[transmothra]

saw my grandpa today.

it was hard not to cry in front of him. he just looks so much older than i want him to be. he looks like a weak, frail 85 year old. he is a weak, frail 85 year old.

i'm not grounded any more.

i told him i loved him and that he was my best friend, and my favorite person. most of the time he just laid there with his eyes shut or shutting. he was tired, and his poor old sweet eyes teared up and he told me he loved me with this pained, furrowed brow like 'o god i love you so much'.

it was so hard not to cry in front of him. i miss the young, healthy grandpa who was always tinkering with things, puttering around in the yard or on a ladder or with his power tools.

and i kept thinking, jesus christ, i just went through this in 2001 with my poor sweet old grandma. now i have to sit here and helplessly watch him helplessly die too, just like then.

a whole galaxy of pain, welling up inside of me. why are the young punished with the death and dyingness of the old? it's such an old game, an old tragedy; marked from the very dawn of time and life with saline and regret.

Comments

[hollyquinn1.livejournal.com]

You know what's funny. My great grandma did that, read the obituaries religiously, but my grandma never did. She was an odd lady. I don't think she ever realized she was old, and when she did realize she was pissed about it. She would point out other old folks in our family to me and say things like "she's so old, that's so pitiful." or "I just can't believe how old and sick your aunt is." I remember once pointing out to her that she was older than the person she was commenting on, and she said in her real thick southern accent "darlin bite your tongue." She said it with venom. I think I'm still in shock that she got old enough to die.

You know we've talked about this, everyone will get old enough to die. And it's so weird that now I really would mind dying. I mean that I wouldn't have minded a couple of years back, but now it'd be a real bummer.