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guess i'll have to replace that icon
Jul. 28th, 2005 10:40 pmi lost my best friend of 2+ years, and that's what stings the most. now i have nobody. my hours are incompatible with my 2 other friends, so i really don't get to see anybody ever. not having a computer or internet hurts, too, since i have no way to keep from stagnating there in my crappy little apartment. i need desperately to reach out and get a little help, but there's nothing but space and time. some days i'm despondent, some days i'm angry with myself for pushing her away and thereby ruining my life, some days i'm okay but a little tired and sad.
last weekend, Lisa and i talked it all out, and it's a permanent thing that it's over, and i guess it's for the best. i could never really understand a lot about her, and i'm just some thoughtless, classless hoodlum she accidentally hooked up with. that's me saying that. we're just two too-different people. so we talked and we cried and we made passionate love and then we slipped into the sad sweet mystery of sleep, former lovers in each others arms. and the next day we went to the mall and got booth photos. and then we said goodbye. it was the most bittersweet day of my life. i still cry. i miss her. but the shrine that grew so quickly is slowly shrinking back, and one day there will be nothing but a vague longing for a girl i never really knew but loved. when the enchantment that she's gripped me with finally dissipates, that'll be that. and i hope she fares well. better than well.
the long hug goodbye is over, and now i have to learn to move on again.
it came down to this: for her, i think it got stale and boring. for me, it got stressful. it snowballed, and my chronic nervous insomnia just exacerbated it.
i really did have a lot of great plans. you ever have a bad trip, but you emerge out the other side triumphant and victorious? i was very, very close to emerging.
i'm still squeezing my way through to the other side. i quit smoking last week. i'm on the patch, and i am actually smoking those Quest nic-free cigarettes. i'm training myself to not get any chemical reward from them. so far, i've only slipped once. i think i'll be okay.
well... i gotta go. see ya later maybe.
last weekend, Lisa and i talked it all out, and it's a permanent thing that it's over, and i guess it's for the best. i could never really understand a lot about her, and i'm just some thoughtless, classless hoodlum she accidentally hooked up with. that's me saying that. we're just two too-different people. so we talked and we cried and we made passionate love and then we slipped into the sad sweet mystery of sleep, former lovers in each others arms. and the next day we went to the mall and got booth photos. and then we said goodbye. it was the most bittersweet day of my life. i still cry. i miss her. but the shrine that grew so quickly is slowly shrinking back, and one day there will be nothing but a vague longing for a girl i never really knew but loved. when the enchantment that she's gripped me with finally dissipates, that'll be that. and i hope she fares well. better than well.
the long hug goodbye is over, and now i have to learn to move on again.
it came down to this: for her, i think it got stale and boring. for me, it got stressful. it snowballed, and my chronic nervous insomnia just exacerbated it.
i really did have a lot of great plans. you ever have a bad trip, but you emerge out the other side triumphant and victorious? i was very, very close to emerging.
i'm still squeezing my way through to the other side. i quit smoking last week. i'm on the patch, and i am actually smoking those Quest nic-free cigarettes. i'm training myself to not get any chemical reward from them. so far, i've only slipped once. i think i'll be okay.
well... i gotta go. see ya later maybe.
