this was a happy day, in a sad sort of way, one year ago today...

it was on this day, one year ago, that i threw my dying grandmother a birthday party. her real birthday's on the 20th (we're both Scorpios), but i Knew that she wasn't going to make it, because her body was really beginning to shut down; she lost her speech, and most of her physical functioning by that time, as well as most of her comprehension and possibly also her sight. so i stealthily tore off the dates on her calendar up to the twentieth. i brought in a couple dozen helium-filled balloons, most of which were red (her favourite colour). i made sure to put a number of them within reach, should she regain some muscle control and wish to play with any. put streamers up on the ceiling and walls, making a big 'X' above her, with the ends hanging down to her bed in the middle. put a big banner reading "Happy Birthday!" in big, happy letters on her wall facing her. turned on her favourite country music.

i even invited my mortal enemy (see hallowe'en post), who came and left early, before anyone else, the fucking pig bitch.

we gathered around her and fed her cake. well, a bite. she couldn't really swallow too well, poor dear sweet woman, lumière de ma vie. i read to her from the cards that were brought. when i read the card from my grandfather, her husband, i lost it. i showed her the picture i made for her, and read what it said ("Goodbye Paulyne - we will always love you"). completely lost it. gave her a very special hug.

she understood, i think. i will never forget, looking into those sad, brown eyes... she looked back at me, with a tear in her eye... oh christ i'm losing it now.

she died two days later.

i just don't know how i'm going to get through this week. it's all going to be coming back, all the painful memories. all the goodbyes. i never will forget that the hardest thing i've ever done in my life is tell someone that i was kind of alright with them dying. and then seeing it happen, right in front of me.

( that last night, that terrible, dreadful night... )

o god. i miss her so terribly. she was the only one who was there all those years for me. solid.

and i find it so hard to reconcile my agnosticism with the deaths of all of those whom i love. Carl Sagan, my first truly Important hero (my first were tied: Stevie Wonder and Evol Knievel), to his dying moment believed firmly that there simply was nothing after death. i want to believe something, for chrissakes. but i cannot. it makes no scientific sense, and i'm not superstitious enough for any of that religious crap. i've been there and done that, and believe me, it's all a bunch of comfortable lies. some noble truths, no doubt, but as for the Great Philosophical Questions of all time, there simply are no solid answers.

enough with my horseshit. fuck this. this is why i hated it when my birthday came, because all it is to me now is just the last gas station, the last exit before Doom. not even two weeks after my 30th last year, and bam! Death. my own birth is a but a mile marker for Death. ain't all of 'em like that for everybody, though? how's that for symbolism?

The Universe, you can ram your stupid god-damned symbols right up your ass.

again, enough. how foolish and selfish of me. god damn. it's just that... damn, the pain of such an unbearable loss... if i had to give up all but one thing in my life, i'd choose to keep her. but now everything is too late. it's all over. she's gone. forever... forever. forever.

...i can't even see the monitor for the tears in my eyes. i'm going now. i don't know if i'll be back or not.

(no subject)

transmothra.com is back online, albeit the backup occured before some minor changes. that's okay, i was going to change the format on the book page anyway.

---

YEE-HAW!! the Grande Ole Party won!!

every single office in the land is now occupied by a Good Ol' Boy! this is FANTASTIC!!

i'm serious!

now the people can RISE UP in REVOLUTION against the thoughtless tyrrany of shallow men, as they did in France in 1814!

Bastille Day II! LET THE HEADS ROLL!!!!!

revolution II

thanks to theapostate for sharing this article on what i was talking about in that last post.

i've toyed with the idea of revolution, and of getting elected the worst party/officials into office as a means to bring about revolution, for years and years now. i've never had such an opportunity present itself.

therefore, i want to make it devastatingly clear, right here, right now:

in the next two years, i plan on spending a healthy amount of time in jail for my actions.

i will harm no one, insofar as i am unharmed myself.

but i will demonstrate, and remonstrate, and i will incur much wrath among friend and foe alike. i will take part in as many demonstrations as possible, starting this saturday in Columbus. i will do everything that is in my power to start this fucker rolling, and, once rolled, to steer it as best i personally can. in short, i will take back my political life and return to my political roots (my very first protest was staged in fifth grade). i will resist, and i will use force, if necessary.

i will take part in Controversial Actions.

i will fuck in the streets, and i will revel wildly throughout the night. i will smoke my marywanna and eat my El Esdee in open and public spaces. i will flaunt my freedom, whether i have legal rights to do so or not; simply because i AM, as we all truly are, a helluva lot more free than any stupid "law" could ever suggest. we can do anything we want to do. anything at all, "an' it harm none".

and should it come to that, i will take as active a role as possible in the coming Revolution.

this is The Time. this is The Place. this is The Hour.