transmothra | (no subject)

i wish i were on my own and far away again... i used to fast every Thanksgiving, as a way of atoning -in my own small, humble way- for the sins of my ancestors.

i'm lucky, actually. none of my ancestors were slave "owners" (that we know of), so they were probably not all that bad. and as far as Indians are concerned, there probably wasn't much conflict in my tree, either- i'm related, somehow (and probably fairly distantly), to John Smith, the guy who married Pocahontas (and who, incidentally, had a bit of a reputation as a seer). i don't think i have any Indian blood, but i may. it's hard to tell. i do think my grandfather looks Cherokee, though. he has a long, rectangular face, with high cheekbones, and is fairly tall. still... it can't be much, if any at all.

(i have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that i may in fact be 100 damn % white. god damn barbarians!)

of course, i know absolutely nothing about my mother's side of the family. but even though they're all terrible people as far as i'm concerned, i suspect they also have a similarly humane background.

i don't know what i'd do if i discovered some horrible, dark story concerning some disturbing inhumanity in my family tree. i know i'd have profound turmoil in my soul, but to what end?

could you kill? could you kill an evil tyrant, or an oppressor? i wonder if i could or not... if i'd have the strength, the will, to take another life. i believe that i could be enraged enough to do it, depending upon the degree of the atrocity, but would i have the guts? i know, i know... i preach nonviolence and understanding and all that... but history has shown us that it rarely works as well as it did for Mohandas "Mohatma" ("Father") Gandhi (who of course is like as unto a god to me). and i can't help thinking that in some very dire circumstances... ah, i can't bring myself to even finish the thought....

which path is the more enlightened? to kill an evil man... or to let him live and possibly, perhaps even probably, inflict sorrow and suffering upon many more victims? (hey... Jedis kill all the time.) ...advice, and koans, are welcome. i truly wish to know.

(we will assume, for the time being, that the term "evil" contains no ambivalence as referenced.)