the ever-downward spiral

complete social paralysis... too much work, not enough free time... tired of long, late hours... inability to call it quits in City of No Jobs... stuck in a rut, working that hamster-wheel, endlessly, endlessly... no let-up... need to create stifled by need to pay bills... reality sets in... all my potential wasted... drained, powerless... weakening... my resolve is a sinking ship... overwhelmed by commitment to carry on somehow... need to let go, let it all go... whatever happened to the Dream? ...it's too late to turn back now, my next 35 years will be similarly wasted in either swimming back to the starting shore, or swimming to the other side, where awaits, what?, a long walk back to the starting point to do it all over again... or, just drown in the middle... not the right time to take a risk, to gamble on what has always, always proven to be miserable failure in the past...

my job is crushing my soul and sapping my will to live. and it doesn't get any better in this awful city i used to love.

i need enough time and money to go back to college so i can somehow manage to get out of this rut with enough time and money to go back to college so i can somehow manage to get out of this rut with enough time and money to go back to college so i can somehow manage to get out of this rut...

i could create my way to freedom, if only i had the freedom to create.