(no subject)

slept about 30 fucking hours in one 24 hour day. just got home a little bit ago. drank a fifth of Cisco (yeah, i know...), had a few beers, and am on a 24oz. of Bud now. went to my friend Fred & Lisa's place. told them about my last week. hung out with their druggie friends. smoked a little pot, for the first time in ages (yeah, FUCK YOU, Rumsfield & Ashcroft... fuckin' PIGS). learned some more trivial information about my friend Mike Mettler, who hung himself a few years back. he fucking rocked, World, in case you were too goddamn ignorant to notice. am going to sleep now.

(no subject)

Lisa, honey, please take everything i've been saying with a grain of salt. you know i love you. it's just hard to be in love. someday, you'll understand what i'm saying. at least i hope not anyway ;)

jayzuss! when/is moffra ever going to stop blabbering on and on about this??!

the hardest thing is trying to figure out if i can deal with having an absent lover who has and/or wants others of her own. i already told her i'd stick around. am i just going to drive myself crazy? i'm out for love, after all. i'm not finding it with her. but i do love her, vastly and deeply.

i want a soul-mate, a faithful companion. someone i can directly connect with. someone who will give me love, just as honestly and openly as i give love to them. someone who will look at me and think of me as her number one partner.

i don't want to be part of a syndicate.

i believe in personal worship, not membership in a congregation. i want my god/dess to know me just as i know her. i desire gnosis. intimacy.

i don't want to accidentally wonder what she does with others. i don't like knowing that i'm only as interesting to her as a number of other people are. and i hate hearing about the other people she wants. it tears me to pieces.

but i told her i would. i looked into her beautiful brown eyes, and i told her i would anyway. because i love her that much. because i crave her.

...how foolish am i?