Heheh

Originally published at jeremyjarratt.com. You can comment here or there.

Here’s a funny card i sent to my good friend Greg earlier today. I think it’s a minor fucking masterpiece.

Thought about you while on the toilet today, directly after touching myself in an inappropriate and medically questionable manner, and right before i scrambled downstairs to find those pills that i take to help me forget that i am secretly a raging homosexual. Forgetting my prior enterprise, i neglected to wipe and left a warm, gooey trail all the way down the hall, which will henceforward always remind me fondly of you, and your inadvisably unaltered face.

Have decided i’m going to dedicate my life to Jesus. Do you know him? He’s that Mexican guy who lives at the end of my block. I just found out that he was the one who “stole my innocence,” back in my prison days. That’s a euphemism for fist-raping me in the man-twat while wearing rawhide work gloves and strangling me erotically with a bicycle chain his sister sneaked in for him.

Anyway, wishing you a happy whatever-it-is that you people celebrate today. Oh, wait, i forgot - you’re white. In that case, just have a regular, mediocre day. I’m sure you’re used to having nothing much to look forward to by now. Remember, the Bible says that the meek will inherit the Earth, and that the Bible has been all but proven to be completely full of lies. So don’t get your hopes up, lest they be pointlessly dashed against the rocks like so many empty-headed salmon. Fortunately for you, the inevitable Heat Death of the Universe will ultimately render us both paradoxically equals. So you have that going for you anyway.

I sincerely hope your cries for help do not remain unheeded for much longer, especially seeing as i’ve placed a rather large wager that you’ll survive until at least the end of the year. I do try to keep up with whether or not you’ve died; in the future (once my foolish but potentially lucrative bet has paid off), i’ll try to take a more active role in this regard.

See you at the comic book store with all the other clammy, pale losers and underwear-fetishists.

With greatest vague ambivalence or something,
your well-heeled, superior-bred Estonian advocate,
jeremy

p.s., oh, and give my best to M, and keep whatever’s left over for yourself. I think you deserve it, even if no-one else does.